I may be a slight bitch.  Okay, truth, I’m a huge shallow bitch.  Hey now, online dating is like online shopping for men.  If I don’t think a particular style dress is going to work for me, I’m not going to buy it.  Same for men, if I don’t think he’ll fit me or look good on me, I’m not messaging him.

Guys, girls get BOMBARDED with messages.  Literally.  I signed up for Plenty of Fish at 11:00pm Sunday night.  (I was bored, sue me.)  I’m getting close to 10 pages in my inbox.  Thus far, I’ve only responded to ONE of them.  (I’m that picky.  Sue me.)

Over 75 guys want to know more about me/hook up with me/whatever can’t predict intentions…  That is what you are competing with.  Assume you are not the best looking of the bunch (not saying you are not, but different girls like different physical features on guys) that is over 50 other men you are competing with for a response/date/hook up/sex/whatever.

Does your subject line say “Hi” “Hey” “Hello” or any other form of a generic greeting?  Great!  You look like my ENTIRE inbox.  What’s eye catching about “Hi.”?  How about commenting on something you read in her profile or username?  Make her want to OPEN the message.  Not every girl is like me, who will open every message out of pure curiosity.

Now that you’ve gotten her to OPEN your message, you need to peak her interest.  This is where you really need to show her you read her profile.  Girls want to know that you want them for more than their looks.  What do you have in common?  What do you like about her personality?  Why do you think she would enjoy spending time with you?  This is your one moment to sell yourself.  Ask questions about something you found interesting about her profile.  (“How are you?” is nice, but if that is the only thing you’re going to ask, forget about it.”)

Another important thing that needs its own paragraph:  USE PROPER GRAMMAR, and avoid shorthand!!  It makes you look like an idiot.  No, seriously.  We’re not texting, give me the respect of a properly written word.  I seriously do think I am smarter than these men for the simple fact that I would actually write out a proper e-mail.  It’s not a great first impression, especially if you write in your profile that you’re looking for a smart girl.

I’m going to offend some people with this paragraph.  Let’s entitle it “DON’T BE A CREEP.”  Guys, these are things you don’t want to say unless you want the girl to delete your message and stay FAR away.  Sexy: horrible word, don’t use it.  For one, it has the word “sex” in it, and that’s the first thing we’re going to think of (and not in a good way.)  If the girl WANTS a casual encounter, go for it, she’s asking for sex.  Otherwise, forget you know the meaning of the word.  Second, don’t ask her out in the first message.  Why?  You haven’t even gotten to know her at all.  We need to know you’re not Dateline-worthy.  Last, do not message your phone number in the first message.  It sounds like common sense, but I’ve gotten four unsolicited phone numbers.  You know what that says to me?  BOOTY CALL.  B-O-O-T-A-Y!!!!  Not date.  Girls looking for that specify it in their profile.  Seek them out.

Now for example time: these are ACTUAL messages I received (with commentary) usernames withheld to protect the clueless…

“hi how r u”  I would be better if you used actual words.  Thanks!

“Iam pretty sure we are looking for difrent things but you are super cute lol” (So why write the message?)

“Hey what’s up ? Saw that you were interested in me. I read your profile and think you are someone I could see myself being with. I love you pic look very pretty ;) you seem very up beat and I need someone like that in my life to keep me motivated and see things in a different light. Would love to hear back from you and see where it leads.” (I was hesitant with this one.  He needs someone to keep him motivated?  So I’m supposed to fix him?  What?  No.)

“I’m glad you have a job. I’m Alex btw”  (I’m glad I have a job too.  Thanks for noticing…?)

“Why are you so cute ?” (I give him credit for a question other than “How are you?” but really dude?  The answer is genetics, why are you so boring?)

“ We should go on a date love your pic and long hair I’m Wayne =) any fun plans this weekend yet?” (We’re going from zero to 60 here, buddy.  Ask a girl about herself first…)

Subject: wish i could send flowers but

Text: i dont even know what to say because anything i write may sound cheesy to you but
you
just seem the girl id fall for and would love to get to know. maybe cos u seem the
“sweet” type or maybe cos of simplicity in your words. i dont really know! all i
know
is that i really want to talk to u :) Get at me dont be afraid. Brazilian are known
to be very passionate, happy, outgoing peole…mix it with the Italian charm lmao :p (Woah woah woah. What?)

Same user, new message:

“am i that bad?” (Bad, no, misguided and a little too much?  Yes.)

All of that being posted, throw in about a million more “hey how are you?”s and that’s my horrible, horrible inbox.  I am holding out hope, and I’m sure I will be blogging about some other odd behavior soon enough.

Wish me luck!